Maddie says

Objectives Policy Blog

2010-12-12T17:33:00.000-08:00

1.Describe the history, current structures and issues of social welfare policies and the major ideological themes that underlie them. (Program Obj. 5; EPAS 2.1.8)

Through this course I learned that many of the current issues we see as a society stem from the structures that we create. We discussed how politically speaking; parties often create even more issues by not being able to create a program that both sides agree upon. During these discussions we talked about various political programs or bills that have been created in hopes of creating relief to many of the issues discussed in class, like poverty. Throughout the history of social welfare policies are society has seen, we discussed that even though many policies or programs have been created that because of the political spectrum of conservatives and liberals, many of these things have failed, or not lasted long enough to see results.

The reason for this that we talked about throughout the course is that conservatives generally have the idea that there is an individual responsibility versus society’s responsibility to take care of them. Whereas liberals generally feel that our government should help individuals because they can not help themselves. For this reason political officials struggle to find effective ways to benefit society in terms of programs and policies.

2. Engage in policy practices that advance social and economic justice. (Program Obj. 5; EPAS 2.1.4)

In this course, I think we really learned about how advocacy was an important skill in social work. I learned that even though I should be aware of the policies that effect my clients, I do not have to create a policy to make it important. I can simply advocate to raise awareness for a policy or even a group of people seeking a policy change or something. During our project my group participated in an advocacy project in which we raised awareness for an act that we felt was something that would benefit many, we had people sign letters that could be sent to their Senators in support of the act.

Through various readings and discussions throughout the course I learned many different ways that I can participate in advocating for my clients or the group of clients I might be working with. By raising awareness for a particular social or economic justice issue, I can very well be apart of bringing about change for my clients.

3. Apply social work values, standards and ethics in analyzing and influencing policy formulation, implementation and advocacy. (Program Obj. 5; EPAS 2.1.8, 2.1.2)

Before this class I did not really pay too much attention to policy. But now I know that it is important to be aware of the policies that are being made or proposes because they could have and affect on whatever population I choose to work with. I am suppose to advocate for my clients, and I wont be able to do that if I do not know what is going on within the political world.
The Social Work Code of Ethics also says that social workers need to be competent. I would think that if I am unaware of policies that have an affect on my clients then I would be incompetent and ineffective in working with them. So I learned from this class that even though the political world overall scares me and I want to stay away from it. I need to pay attention to what is going on so I can be effective in assisting my clients.

4. Analyze and apply the results of policy research in contexts relevant to social service delivery. (Program Obj. 6, 2; EPAS 2.1.8, 2.1.6, 2.1.9)

For the project I worked on for the class, my group and myself had to research about our population and issues relevant to them, as well as things that are going on to help them and raise awareness for their oppression. This required us to look at past policies that were made and current policies that have been made. Through this research we were able to know more about what was going on with our population and we felt more passionate about seeing our Act supported.

Policy Blog over "The Tipping Point"

2010-12-05T20:02:00.000-08:00

Prompt: Using one of the books, Fast Food Nation; Nickel and Dimed; The Tipping Point; or Three Cups of Tea as a stimulus, project what you believe social welfare provision will need to look like in the next 25 years in the United States.

In the book The Tipping Point the author Malcolm Gladwell talks about change and what it takes to truly make change happen. Mainly he mentions the kind of people it takes for change of any kind to occur and to make change lasting and “sticky”. This book has so many examples of where we as a society have been affected by all different levels of change because the idea was heard by a certain person who has the capability of spreading the word better than your average person. I believe that things don’t change overnight. Change is a process, it takes time, however after reading this book, I was convinced that society could see change happen quicker if the right kind of people got involved. Much like how in his book, Gladwell discussed that if these special social salesmen personality type people were not happy or satisfied with a certain product or idea, then most likely the product or idea would not go very far because these people are the people responsible for creating a word of mouth epidemic and making it have a more lasting effect. They are the people who tell everyone about something they think is fantastic. They are the ones who go about selling something to the public. As a society we need to find these people and get them on board with ideas about social welfare over the next 25 years. I hear a lot of people share lots of beautiful hopes and dreams for our future, but I think in order to see these things come true, we need to come up with a better way of making them attainable, in my opinion that would start by more people being a little more realistic about how they go about changing the world. If we as a society truly desire to see change, then we need to take some smaller steps to get there.

Malcolm Gladwell in his book presents three things that he believes are needed to see a lasting effect brought on in social trends. These three things are “the law of the few”, “the stickiness factor”, and “the power of context”. The first one is where you see the power of the people. Although we all can talk and have ideas, there are some people in the world that are just gifted at talking to others, these people, know more than anyone else, they are more persuasive than anyone else and they are also the kind of person who will remember every new place or new person they encounter. These are the kind of people who Gladwell says are responsible for the idea of the word of mouth epidemic. The second one is the idea that if we want to see something be successful and make it last it has to stick. It has to be something that the public is going to want to keep around. By having the people from the first one, the “salesmen” as Gladwell referred to them as ideas become stickier, because they are normally in tune with what the public wants. The third one focuses on the importance that the surroundings have on a social trend or movement. I think that when trying to determine how to see change over the next 25 years these three things will be important to remember.

One thing that so many people are concerned about seeing eliminated, is poverty. The problem is that poverty is not going to just vanish overnight. Currently as Americans, it seems like our plan to eradicate poverty is to send our aid to other countries that have more poverty than we do. Why has this become the cure for the poverty epidemic? Why does it seem that it is more important to send aid to other countries rather than try to see change in our own system right here in America? The answer is actually simple I think. People, not just any people though, certain people who have the ability to influence millions. Celebrities, I believe that when it comes to having a sticky idea, celebrities are the stickiest way to get word out to the public. Organizations, groups, social movements flock to celebrities and try to persuade them to join their cause because they know that these celebrities are considered influential not only in the U.S, but in the world. This is what has happened. This is how our attention is drawn into eliminating global poverty, because a celebrity spokesperson that many consider a role model has told us that we should. Celebrities are the salesmen of our nation.

I think the idea of having these influential people join a cause and urge others to join is brilliant, however the causes that we are urged to support seem to all be more on a global context and they are not working because they are not realistic. We are urged to donate money to other countries to stop world hunger, when we ourselves are trying to figure out where our next meal is coming from. We are urged to send a Christmas gift to an orphan in another country because they will not a Christmas when we ourselves have so many children that will not have a Christmas either. We are urged to send resources to Africa, because their people are homeless and dying when we have homeless right down our street who are also dying. Where we have missed the mark is with Gladwell’s third rule, “the power of context”. Currently America is going through an economic crisis, whether people want to acknowledge it or not, we are. More and more families are forced into poverty every day, and we are not being effective in providing for them. How can we be expected to donate money to other countries, when there is no one donating money to our country to eliminate poverty? This is why there has not been a change in global poverty, because although the message is sticky and the spokesperson is influential and can persuade some, the context is all wrong. We can’t help others if we don’t stop for a second and help our own.

Let’s get these celebrities to join a cause that is even closer to home than Africa, let’s get them to consider America as a cause. I think that if want to see reform brought to our current welfare system then we are going to have to raise more awareness for the epidemic of poverty right here in America and I think we are going to need influential people to help do that. Anyone can sit and talk about how flawed our welfare system is and how ineffective we are at helping the poor and the homeless, but unless that person has the ability to influence other’s to speak up and take action, all it is, is talk. If we can somehow get these influential people to start raising more awareness on national poverty and urging people to speak up about their conditions, then we might be able to see more government officials take interest in creating reform in our social welfare system. The welfare system is not something that can just fix itself, it is not something that we can just sit back and hope improves. Let’s quit campaigning to send aid to other countries and campaign for more aid for our own country. America needs to pay more attention to its own poverty before we try to address the poverty in other countries. I believe that in order to see change and reform brought about to our welfare systems and what we are doing for our poor, and then it is going to take influential people who have the ability to speak for those who can not speak for themselves. We will need to see more causes for America for celebrities to join and help push for change. Do not just talk about the flaws of our system, come up with an idea that we can run with.

Editorial 2

2010-12-01T18:59:00.000-08:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/30/opinion/30tue2.html?_r=1&ref=editorials

This article talks about the Dream Act and the hope it brings to future immigration reform if it passes.

What kind of future reform will it bring though? The Dream Act proposes that we essentially provide amnesty for undocumented immigrants who are college students or serve in the military. This seems like something that Americans should be okay about because these individuals hopefully would be a benefit to our society. If this is something that passes, okay fine...but what next? What are some of this future immigration reforms America will also see passed or try to be passed? I can't help but think that something like this would further encourage immigrants to continue coming across the border undocumented. So these undocumented individuals go to college and serve our in our military which will benefit our society I guess in the long run, but would it not also benefit our society to deport them? I am not against immigration, as long as it is done the right way and through the proper systems. I realize it takes a long time for the process, so I propose that if we continue to allow immigration, why not make the process for coming easier to encourage them to come legally. Many who discuss the Dream Act and advocate for immigration reform often talk about the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence and how they have the same rights as I do fail to realize that it says "citizen" if they are undocumented in this country, they are not a citizen, therefore these do not apply to them. Immigration reform should mean that we either start to crack down on those coming illegally to our country or we make the process for them to come legally easier and quicker. Our country is in a crisis whether people think so or not, if something doesn't change we will not have the resources to support our nation and we will continue to see a crappy economy and more and more poverty.

Policy Blog # 11

2010-11-08T11:04:00.000-08:00

Prompt: What is an important question that was raised for you in one of these chapters? How do you respond to it?

Chapter 12 of the textbook is all about the Health Care System. It discusses various policies that use to exists and policies that currently exist and ways that our governments have sought out to change the overall health care system to better the lives of it's citizens.

While reading the chapter, however there were many statistics that struck me. For example did you have any idea that "Health care costs in the United States are higher than in any other industrialized nation"(315)? When I read that I was shocked, another interesting thing that the chapter mentioned was that "this is due to a variety of factors, including diet, low levels of physical activity, births to teenage mothers, and the high number of violent deaths"(315). When I read that, the thought that was going on in my head before could not be contained.

Here is a question? Would addressing some of these factors be more effective than trying to change the entire health care system?

I am not saying that we shouldn't seek to try and change aspects of the health care system, but I am saying that maybe we should also evaluate aspects of our society that we could seek out to change. When was the last time you saw your neighbors outside? When was the last time you saw kids playing outside on a regular basis? Everyday things are being introduced to us that encourage us to further sit in front of our tv or computer and play video games, watch tv or check on our facebook or twitter accounts for hours. I strongly believe that a reason why we see so much more health issues in people is because of the lazy mindset that is encouraged in our society. I also strongly believe that if we focused on putting more money into our education system, we would see fewer teen pregnancies and fewer drop outs, because I would venture to say that alot of the people that fit into those categories are the ones that later need to rely on the government programs for health care because they can not afford some kind of insurance, because let's face it. Insurance is expensive and difficult to find the right kind of coverage for a your family. I think that if we try to develop more programs that address the various factors listed before, we might see less health care expenses.

Another thing I thought about during this chapter was insurance. What makes insurance so difficult to receive? This summer I experienced a little bit of what it was like to not be insured and I also realized why so many people may not be insured. It is not because they don't want insurance, it is because health insurance is so difficult to get. My family had to change providers and the only provider that would cover us at the time was so outrageous that it was like we didn't even have insurance, and this provider decided to basically only partially accept myself and another family member because of our medical history...we seemed to be a risk. CRAZY! How does that make any sense? Without insurance medical bills are expensive and many people choose to instead of having a regular family doctor, just go to the ER if they are feeling sick. Something to consider when trying to reform the health care system is maybe figure out what makes insurance providers so expensive?

Essentially this chapter just got be thinking about alot of things. I don't know much about what goes on with the Health care system, but by reading this chapter I think that there are other places we could seek out to change, besides trying to tackle something massive like the health care system and the millions of Americans that are involved in this system.

Editorial 1

2010-10-18T16:25:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/18/opinion/18mon3.html?ref=opinion

The article is about how DNA has been used as evidence for many death row inmates after they have already been convicted. The article mentions how the DNA was not tested during the actual trial and is now being tested as a way to delay or avoid execution of these inmates.

I have heard about DNA testing post conviction before but after reading this article I learned that sometimes attorneys or courts will not test all DNA in order to either protect the convicted they represent or to provide a guilty verdict for who they are convicting. In the example case the article mentioned, his attorney only requested DNA testing of some material because of the fear of further proving his guilt.

This idea of only presenting some of evidence to convict someone to death row seems risky. Alot of times we hear stories about how the wrong person was put to death because of not testing all the evidence. The author of the article is against death row but does say that if we are going to have it, then we should at least make sure we have proper evidence. I think that the same can be said about not just death row but for anyone in prison. I support the death penalty, but I do think that when deciding someone's innocence or guilt in a trial and in a criminal investigation all the evidence should be tested. It should not be permitted to only run tests on some of the evidence. If everything was being examined and tested prior to conviction then there would be less questions raised about those on death row. We would see guilty men on death row and not innocent men who were put there based on partial evidence. This article says the issue is partial DNA testing being used post conviction. I think another issue why are courts not asking for full DNA tests to start with?

Policy Blog #5 (Op-ed)

2010-09-27T12:50:00.000-07:00

Prompt:
Write a letter to the editor or Op-ed piece about an issue about which you are passionate and post it on your blog.

Whenever it is time to elect new political officials into office, debates on hot topics begin. The media also begin flashing the messages of what particular parties stand for. One thing that seems to be a hot topic is the welfare system. Normally I hear that Democrats or liberals, if you want to call them, take a stand of more government aid, they are the ones who seek out programs that will provide aid to people in need, and the Republicans, or the conservatives, take the stand that there should not be a lot of government aid, because it is not societies responsibility to assist everyone who can't help themselves.

Although there is some truth in that I do think it is slightly misleading, because both parties have provided many programs that people in society have benefited from. Because I think that both parties believe that there needs to be help for those that need it. Although I think that the government has a responsibility to the people of the nation to provide them with resources. However, I have recently been asking myself and wondering "where does the line get drawn?" "how long can the government be expected to provide for people" "When does the responsibility shift from the government and more to the individual?"

When I ask these questions I understand that there are people in our nation who desperately need some sort of aid because they can not do it alone, but how long? Many programs have been established as temporary aid,but it turns in to something more permanent. The government can not be held responsible for getting individuals back on their feet if individuals do not take some responsibility themselves. When I drive by a government housing location, I can't help but notice how many adults I see just sitting outside smoking or having a beer in the middle of the day. It makes me think that they are not working on trying to better their own situation because they are just expecting the government to bail them out.

I am not saying that everyone who receives some kind of government aid is abusing it, but I can't help but wonder how many people continue to live in poverty because our current welfare system is flawed and allows for abuse and nothing is being done about it.

I would like to see our government not only develop programs that would encourage individuals to take responsibility for their own lives and conditions, but also seek ways to adjust our current programs. Even if that means making the application process of who qualifies more difficult or if it means creating a system with a tighter monitor of the individuals who receive aid.

Policy blog #1

2010-08-27T19:26:00.000-07:00

Prompt:
" What were your preconceived attitudes and beliefs about social policy? What are your first impressions of social policy after the first class? What do you hope to learn and accomplish as a result of this course? How do you feel this course fits with your interest in the profession of social work? "

When I signed up for this policy class, I was excited but at the same time nervous and unsure of what to expect. I was excited because I really like the professor... when he guest spoke in other classes I have had I always really enjoyed what the things he talked about. I could tell he was passionate about what he discussed So I am stoked I get to have him as a teacher (for the record I am totally NOT trying to suck up here, I really am excited to have Jon as a professor) and I am also excited because I heart my social work classes. They are always super fun and I learn a lot in them.

I don't really know that much about politics. I try to know somewhat things that are going on, but I am not really knowledgeable in things concerning politics. I try to stay out of conversations about government or political issues because in my experience they turn into heated arguments where feelings get hurt and normally one of the people walk away crying. I just don't like that. I've always just believed that I have my opinions and you have yours and we can't talk about them in a friendly manner I rather not talk about them at all. So although I love social work classes when I saw that I was taking class about social policies and welfare I got real nervous because when I hear these words and my mind jumps off to negative feelings I have toward certain government policies, social issues or negative stories I have heard about things not working or being used the right way.

I hope that by taking this class I will not only better understand things concerning social policies and issues but also maybe improve the negative feelings I tend to associate with various things. I also think that this course will get me to think about things with a more open mind than I tend to have. As a social worker I think it is important to hear and listen to what others have to say and not be critical if their opinions don't mesh perfectly with yours. It allows for you to have views from different perspectives about things. I think that knowing and having some sort of understanding about different social policies is super important for any social worker because being aware of the things that are going on in society as far as policies or various social movements have the potential to affect whatever population I choose to work with. For me, I feel led to work with adolescents. What I have experienced is that teens are influenced from all sorts of different kinds of things, whether it be the media or a popular social movement. Teens are at the point in life where they are starting to really think for themselves about what they believe and who they are. Therefore, I think it will be important for me to know different things that might influence them or things they might be hearing so that I will better be able to work with them and communicate with them. Overall I am looking forward to the class, after we had our first meeting my nerves were calmed because I realized that other people were also unsure of how they felt about policy.

Some information for you

2010-08-25T09:56:00.000-07:00

Attention anyone who pays any attention to this blog...

In the coming weeks, mainly throughout this semester there will be numerous posts relating to a class I am taking. It is part of an assignment...I'm actually kind of stoked about it because it will give me something to blog about. Anywho... they will mainly be relating to Social Welfare and Policies and my thoughts on things I learn through out the semester. Feel free to share your feedback as your opinions are also valued and considered. I think this class will be interesting and for sure something new for me to learn about. I hope that as you read what I post about various things you too will feel like you have learned something from my semester. For those who might read it and not be in the class with me I will include the prompt as in intro to each blog so you can consider each of the questions for your self. There will be at least five of them possibly more if I feel so led to write more I guess. It is my blog and I can write what I want. HAHA. I ask that you read what I say and what my fellow classmates might say with an open mind and not be critical if you disagree...We all have different opinions and I want everyone to feel like they wont be attacked for sharing. I love sharing.

Well this is all I wanted to share with you for now, just so you know.

Back in session

2010-07-28T19:18:00.000-07:00

So...once again lets take a moment to reflect on the fact that I am a terrible blogger...I write like what? One a year...HAHA

Anywho...
So Baylor move in weekend has come and is almost gone which means that class begins very soon. I am not ready...

Although every semester I really look forward to my social work classes because they are full of joy and joyness, my other required classes I do not look forward to ever!

So it's a new year and so I always try to start out fresh and positive... I would like to share some things I will be doing this year that I have not done before.

Briefly let me give some background as to how I developed these new things. This summer I worked at my parents church and met and interacted with many people... I also was able to rediscover things about myself because I found myself working with a few who are very much like me... so for them we developed these things I am about to share that I will be doing this year.

1. I will be writing positive things throughout my day or week- this is to better my outlook. I tend to be somewhat glass half empty. I hoping that by acknowledging positives I may in turn not be so negative about everything...even though sometimes I just love being negative.

2. I intend on focusing on things that matter as opposed to things that don't matter. I do not want to get caught up in useless things that are going to a) bring me down and b)make me lose focus on the important things in life.

3. I am going to try to have more of a life outside my school work and my work work...I really think I need some sort of social life because friends are important to have... without them you are just alone and by yourself alot.

I really just chose these three things... if I had added more I might forget them... HAHA I am a forgetful person ya know.

SO I guess I could share a little about this summer with everyone.

So lets see...

I saw really awesome things happen and I saw that just because it may not seem like you are making a difference doesn't mean that you are not making one. I think that by me being able to go help my parents church in a way they most needed help, they now have doors open that before were just slightly cracked. I think youth are so important and I loved being able to pour myself out into them. They are the future whether any notices it right now or not. In a few years they will be the ones making big decisions, they will be the ones leading us and someone needs to be there to show them that they are cared for and they are important. I think so many times the youth generation gets left out of things, because people think that they wont care anyway. They want to come, they want someone to acknowledge them and let them know that it is OK to not have all the right answers right away. My heart is just burdened for those youth who feel worthless because they have been treated like they are worthless or those girls who long for someone to talk to about what is going on in their lives, or the boys who do not have a positive male role model in their life. I guess what I am trying to say is that this summer just affirmed in me what I already knew... I am meant to work with youth people...They make my heart smile.

I will MAYBE TRY to write some more on this later but for now this is the only glimpse of my thoughts you will get...

Countdown to Summer!

2010-05-02T23:27:00.000-07:00

So in about a week I will be loading up my tiny little car and driving to Illinois for the Summer... I am so pumped!
I will be working with youthlings and taking classes while I am there. I am currently trying to find fun and festive things to do with the wonderful youth lovelys... here's my dilemma...are youth kids different up north then they are here in Texas? I mean I know what my youth kids here like and think is fun but what if my Illinois kids don't think it is fun and festive(DEVASTATION!) SO...if anyone even reads this thing I am looking for input...stories...ideas...suggestions. What are things you consider fun or would consider fun if you were a youth kids from Illinois?

I am also curious for ideas on a Bible study... in your opinion what might be some topics you would find interesting to study over the summer if you were a youthling? I mean we all know that I could probably go all summer talking about Hosea and his coolness, BUT what might be something else?

More to come

2010-04-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

I promise a new cool post soon... This is the last week of school and I have been so swamped with EVERYTHING!!!!! As soon as I have a breather I plan to sit down and write a post or two though... so sorry I have MIA again...

Peace

Why Social Work?

2010-02-25T18:42:00.000-08:00

When I was little I remember wanting to be a scientist... at our church for the Harvest fair (that thing churches do instead of trick or treat) mom would dress me in some of her of real retro looking nursing scrubs, throw some pens and nerd pad in the pocket get some goggles for me and off we went to bob for apples and find things in hay and play that game where you fish for candy... ANYWAY... A little later in life I thought maybe to be a doctor would be the best choice, I think I actually even said a surgeon was the kind of doctor I wanted to be... then I reached my junior high years, where I realized that in order to be a doctor I had to know....math and science!!!! NEVER! In my family there is this curse... see none of us are good at Math... I'm so bad that I took Algebra 1 twice... I was in Algebra 1 for 3 semesters!!!! I couldn't even tell you what went on in Geometry... and in Algebra 2 I spent the class period trying to find a seat that I enjoyed better... I also never really did homework because I didnt want to spend 3 hours of my life doing homework I was going to get all the answers wrong for anyway! BUT I passed the classes. I loved the TAKS math test so much I decided to take 3 times...
SO point of the story... Doctoring clearly was not for me.
While I tried to figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up... so many options went through my head but then I knew I had it figured out...

I was either going to be a doctor on ER the show. I love acting, I wanted to be a doctor but since this would be on tv I wouldnt have to know math or science because I could be a fake doctor like Maura Tierney(who I love by the way). OR I was going to be a Rockstar.... It was a tough decision I had to make. UNTIL...

I realized that I need to pick something that was going to be more realistic and ideal. SO now I was back to square one. What was I going to be when I grew up?!

I was quickly running out of time... All my friends were already accepted to colleges and had already picked professions and life paths and I still couldnt decide...
One morning I woke up and finally made a decision

Social Work, thats what I was picking. So I started researching and my decision was quickly affirmed when I found out that I was not going to need a lot of math. I told myself this was the perfect thing for me.

So I am now studying Social Work.
BUT let me tell you why this has proven to be a difficult thing even without the math!

- So I only needed one math credit BUT I have to have biology, chemistry and Neuroscience... Neuroscience! That makes my head hurt just to say it!

- The Social Work textbooks cannot be carried all at the same time because that would cause a back strain... they are heavy and huge!

- Apparently you really have to know your feelings and be ready to talk about them to other people. I was told today that I needed to become more aware of feelings and how to utilize empathic skills, because I was not empathic enough...That hurt my feelings real bad...all 2 of them. I am way better at the elaboration skills, which where I can ask you questions and have you tell me your story.

-Social Workers have to be comfortable working with anyone... this is hard for me... little kids drive me crazy and nursing homes scare me because the people there sometimes smell and are really scary...BUT I love youth kids! LOVE anyway so this is something I have to work on.

- I have never really been a huge fan of group activities because I always get put into a group that people dont pull their weight in... Social work classes LOVE group projects and activities and sharing feelings with each other

-So I have heard many comments made by people about social work majors...
people say it is the easy major but my favorite is when they assume that we all are going to work with CPS or Poverty... I am not planning on either...I mean yes we study it and yes social workers do this but not all of us!

- We have our own statistics class and our own research class... stats was ok but research is not fun. Maybe I can find a person to work with who will love research and decide to handle all that for me. LOL

- I feel like we probably write more papers than other majors... Sometimes I have 2 papers due on the same day! It is crazy!

- We use APA format... this is not a format they teach in high school... and easybib makes you pay for APA format so it is entirely up to us because we are poor and dont want to pay easy bib.

- We volunteer alot.

Overall though I made the right decision in choosing social work. It covers a variety of areas, so I dont feel tied down to one particular job the rest of my life. We have fun in our classes. The profs are super cool and smart. We are like a cute little social work family.

National Eating Disorders Awareness week.

2010-02-23T21:40:00.000-08:00

How I long to be beautiful. How I long to feel beautiful. But to what length would I go to reach that beauty? I stand in line at the grocery store and suddenly a swarm of I am ugly is laid on my heart... why? Because all that is around me are images of skinny... images of the ideal woman... the sexiest woman... or ten tips for getting thin. Am I not thin enough? I must be ugly because I do not look like her in a swim suit. In today's society all these thoughts race through the minds of young women and young men around the world. The longing to be beautiful... But what does beautiful even mean? Who decided that the definition of beauty was thin? Who gets to decide who is beautiful? The media is a core problem to this longing... constant pressure to be thin, the constant need to look as good as Jessica Alba in a swimsuit. The media has become so obsessed with belittling the stars that young girls look up to when they gain a few extra pounds it is sad really. But again... who defined beauty as being thin?

This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I have never struggled with an eating disorder, but I know many people who have and I do struggle with the idea that I am not beautiful... My favorite band... Superchic[k] has posted a blog on their website with a great testimony of an eating disorder about their song Courage... the website is

http://www.superchickonline.com

I encourage you all to read it! It was a powerful testimony not just for someone who struggles with an eating disorder, but also for someone who struggles with the idea that they are not beautiful. READ IT. Listen to the song too.

"How beautiful you are, my darling,
how beautiful!
Your eyes are like doves." Song of Solomon 1:15(NLT)

"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth" Psalm 139: 13-15(NLT)

You are not alone in your struggles.

You are beautiful the way you are right now and someone loves you and longs for you to know you are beautiful to Him. What are some of your stories of being beautiful? What is your definition of beautiful?

Where do I live again?

2010-02-23T11:09:00.000-08:00

Today I awoke to rain outside at 8am... although I think it could have been sleet. I was really sad that it was not snow because I longed for a snow day and some extra sleep. I sent a disappointed text to mom telling her I still had class dispite the nasty weather outside. Then at 8:15 I peaked out the window again to discover white flakes falling from the sky!!!!! Now... if I had not been able to visit my parents in Illinois over Christmas break, this might have been the time when I asked the question " what on earth is that?" But thankfully I knew it was snow I was seeing, But I still had class. GIANT SAD FACE! I mean come on Baylor, how on earth could you expect us to attend classes when we are all clearly distracted by the white snow flaks that were beginning to cover our cars and the ground. LUCKILY Baylor got it's act together and cancelled classes for the afternoon. HURRAH

This means no spanish class, no taking a nap to go to work at midnight because library closes til 7am...I also decided not to volunteer today at Talitha Koum...I figured I would be safe and not drive in this... I will make up for it on Friday.

SO I went to bed last night living in Texas and woke up living in Illinois... Craziness...

Feelings on the matter

2010-02-21T23:53:00.000-08:00

So again I write 500 years after my last post...

Here is some fun things I have discovered/learned/decided/other since being at Baylor:

* In order to attend university and actually pass classes, you not only have to show up for class but you have to do this other stuff called homework... HOMEWORK? what is that? Why should I have to take work home to do? Don't I spend too much in school already?!?! In Jr. High and High school I never really spent that much time doing this work at home. I felt that if the teacher could not adequately teach me the material within that hour of class then that was their fault and I should not have to try to learn it on my own at home, well that was my issue with it for all classes except math, for math my philosophy was... why would I want to spend 5 hours doing a math homework when I will just get all the answers wrong anyway... But this whole college thing... man who knew it was possible to have so much homework and so many papers to write?

* Never try to go to the movie theater during Spring semester when sorority's are recruiting. The theater becomes a super fun hang out night for every sorority girl and her little. That is too much perkiness and obnoxiousness for me.

* Just because I am a Social Work major does not mean I never have difficult homework, difficult tests, and it does not make my GPA mean less than yours because you are Pre Med...It just means that you are smarter at math and science than I am, but I am better at empowering people to change and advocating for people than you are.

* Just because the temperature outside requires you to wear a long sleeve shirt and a jacket, does not mean you need to turn the heater on to 90... that is NEVER acceptable... you think a Pre Med major would know that?

* Driving a huge truck clearly means that you get to take up two and half parking spaces...NOT!

* If you ask a math related question and the room goes quiet and just stares at you... you know you are in a Social Work class...

* Just because we love God and love Jesus, and come to a Christian school does not mean that we find chapel as enjoyable as the chapel leaders do.

* Just because the weather outside is suitable for shorts, short sleeves and flip flops does not mean that you need to turn the AC on to 50 below. That is NEVER ok.

*People who utilize the study commons at 3am, 4am or 5am are clearly bigger procrastinators than I am.

* just because you think your boyfriend is hot doesn't mean the rest of the world wants to see you two and your constant PDA. GROSS!

*Practicing for SING in the parking garage behind apartments where people sleep is rude. Find someplace that doesn't echo.

*a Social Work major is not the same thing as a Psychology major or a Sociology major... so please don't ask me again.

* UBC is more crowded on days that David Crowder is there. Those are the days you need to get there early so you can actually park in the church parking lot.

* tights are meant to be worn under something... they are not pants.

*Ugg boots should not be worn with Nike running shorts... This is mixing your seasons.

* Spring Semester is rush semester for sorority central.

This is all I can think of for now... I'm sure there is more, but its 3 am and I am in the study commons sitting behind a desk.

I will attempt to post more from now on. I feel people need to be informed of my life. Which reminds me of one more

* You know you are a Social Work major when your professor tells you to become more aware of feelings and then gives you a page with a bunch feelings listed on it.

Been a long time...

2009-08-30T17:20:00.000-07:00

SO... Now that it has been 500 years since I wrote a little thing or two... I thought I would finally write something... I think I'm just not good at this keeping up with my blog... I will try harder...

SO update on my life...
I now live in Waco Texas. I attend Baylor University where I am pursuing my degree in Social Work. Yay me!!!

Baylor is not what I expected in some areas but in others areas it is everything I expected. So the registration and enrolling process was RIDICULOUS, The fact that they can't really send me things in a timely manner, or that they waited forever to tell me where I was living does not change my mind about this school... It just goes on the list of dumbest getting ready for school schools that I have. It surpasses Blinn and that whole Boris thing for shizz... But I still think that there is a reason I chose Baylor... haven't figured it out yet, but one day it will be revealed to me.

Homeboy Hosea comes through yet again....

2008-04-01T10:49:00.000-07:00

So.
Last night I read this verse:

Hosea 1:10
10 ^[c]“Yet the time will come when Israel’s people will be like the sands of the seashore—too many to count! Then, at the place where they were told, ‘You are not my people,’ it will be said, ‘You are children of the living God.’

Ok I am already jumping ahead of myself. So I did not solely read that verse. I was reading the whole chapter. I just love Hosea... That is my book. Anyway that is beside the point.
Here lately I have been really down and hard on myself. Just for alot of things. I think to much, this is no secret about my life. I hear a lie and believe it right away. No matter how ridiculous it is.
Last night I sat down and didn't really know what I was looking for. I looked at psalm 37:4 which had been encouraging to me lately. But I was still just like "well that was nice" So then I decided I would go to read Hosea again because well I just love to read it and when I get stumped not knowing where to look, I turn there.
So I was reading about Gomer... and the children and their names then verse 10 came. I read it, then read it again. Something intrigued me. It wasn't necessarily the entire verse but a part of it

“Yet the time will come when Israel’s people will be like the sands of the seashore..."

I said that is it! "Yet the time will come." God had just thrown the words I was looking for right in my lap! I took those words and related them to my life. Before I tell you what I said let's take a look at what is going so far in Hosea up until verse 10.

Hosea is a man. Israel is a nation. Israel has turned from God and they worshiping other gods, having idols, they were doing their own things that God did not like. God began to use Hosea as a prophet to speak to Israel. In chapter 1, God tells Hosea to marry a prostitute and have children. The prostitute represents Israel and how God commands Hosea represents God's actions. They have three children whose names represent God's feelings toward Israel. They were: Lo-ruhamah—‘Not loved’, Jezreel- to represent how another nation was going to defeat Israel in the Jezreel valley, and the third was Lo-ammi—‘Not my people’.

First let me just say: I REALLY want to name my children these names.
Now this is how I related this whole thing to myself.
I am Israel(metaphorically speaking people). This means that I am a prostitute(also metaphorically speaking) Everytime I have run to things that haven't satisfied, God gets jealous. So he uses things to show me that my sin and constant need to be satisfied elsewhere wounds his heart.

I kept reading about how God was still going to allow great things form out of Israel, but they had to repent first. Then verse 10 came.

"Yet the time will come" I found myself asking, "when is the time??? GOD when is the time? I am sick of waiting around, please when will it be time for me "to be as the sands of the seashore"?
I went to a beach once, the water was beautiful and from a distance the sand seem to glow in the sunlight. In other words "When God will be my time to do something great? When will I be beautiful like the sands of a seashore? When will I be able to see everything I do the way you see it? When will I have freedom to be free?"

That is how this verse applied to me at the time.
However this verse can apply to many things. For example ministry:
"Yet the time will come when the ministry is like the sands of a seashore" I will leave this open ended to make your minds start turning. I will have more to say of the adventures of Hosea.

Underwear and the Lord

2008-03-05T19:50:00.000-08:00

So I have been thinking alot. *gasp* I know me think... impossible. I mean I have a lot on my mind and heart right now. I think they are all good things but who knows. Anyway so time for a story...

The other day I was at work. Over the past couple of weeks I have become the person who gets to put things together. Great fun I tell you. Great fun. Anyway... I was working on the new underwear wall. I had to put the baskets on the wall and such. Well I was just starting to get frustrated, and it was starting to show to the others around me. Well some sweet friends of mine came in in the middle of my frustration and one of them could sense that I was about to explode and I needed some help. Being the kind person he is, he reached up and started helping me while I kept complaining about not being able to get it in. Finally the basket stayed put and I was able to breathe and my friends continued their shopping.

I didn't think much of this instance until well today actually. I was thinking how that little scene is so much like what we do with the Lord so many times.

He knows when we are frustrated and need help, so he offers us a hand. Much like I did with the underwear wall we still feel frustrated and upset. Why? because we are still trying to do it on our own. I would not have been able to get this basket on the wall without a little help. I was too short and could not see where to hang it, by having some help the basket became easier to place in its new home. The Lord is just helping us see what we can't. He wants to help us. He knows that things are so much more difficult if we attempt and keep attempting to do them on our own strength.

This was all I wanted to say. I know short and to the point. Fantastic!!!! Let the Lord help us through our tough times.

something to bring laughter

2008-02-04T10:28:00.001-08:00

So you all know I am sord of a huge superchick fan. Well I discovered this video and thought it was just about one of the funniest things I have randomly come across. This will make you laugh I hope.

It's been along time.

2008-01-24T10:57:00.000-08:00

My friends my people my G's.
I am sad to report that I have not posted anything in a very long time which almost in a way brings a tear to my heart. Let us take a brief moment to recover from our sadness of the empty blog for awhile....... ok moment over.

NOW for the latest happenings in the world
- sad day for Hollywood as we find out more about the death of gorgeous guy Heath Ledger. Sadness.
- Britney Spears hmmm yes she is still in the news. She now apparently has a mental illness which would be the cause of all her drama. Also we are told that her sister is now a prego... I feel like if I was their friend, maybe we would see less of them falling apart. I would bring excitement to their lives. Sadness for the Spears... Sadness.
- hmmmm I was watching Oprah the other day and it seems to me that she has gained a little weight. I felt sad for her and wanted to just make it disappear. Sadness for Oprah.
- On better news in the ole H-Wood. Christina and Nicole both had their children apparently right down the hall from one another. HURRAY! I love babies. More recent pregos besides the young Spears--- Jessica Alba the awesome invisible woman from fantastic four is expecting...I believe J-Lo herself is also expecting. I think that soon will hear of a certain Avril Lavigne preparing for a baby. That kind of frightens me but when it happens you all can point to me with the prediction of it.

So now that I have caught you up on all the latest in everyone else's life. I suppose it is time for my life update. Let's see I am officially 19. scary thought I will be 20 this time next year. *Moment of realization just hit.*
So D-Now was recently. It was a good weekend. I thank the Chicas over on Helena for allowing us to stay at their home. It was wonderful.
My Birthday was yesterday and it was a pretty long day. 5am wake up to go to work on my birthday. NEVER AGAIN. weather was pretty unrad I secretly felt like crying. However, I appreciate all the people who came to my wanna be surprise party. It was awesome. Sorry I am not a surprise person.

I would say more in this wonderful post but alas my computer battery is almost dead. AND there really is not much more to update in my life at this time.

life brings more pain than we can bear alone

2007-12-27T11:24:00.000-08:00

"I Belong To You"

Everybody needs to belong somewhere
Life can feel so alone without someone who cares
And when life becomes something just to get through
That's when I'm glad that I belong to you

[Chorus:]
I belong to you
I belong to you
You're the one who will never let me down
Won't let me down
I belong to you
I belong to you

Sometimes life brings more pain than we can bear alone
When hope is gone and I have no strength to stand on my own
When nothing helps, there's nothing that I can do
You surround me and show me

[Chorus]

When love is gone, there's no arms to run to anymore
I'm all alone, there's no one for me to live for
Letting go of the things I've always clung to
That's when I need to feel that

[Chorus]

"when love is gone, there's no arms to run to anymore" what does that mean??? For so long I just listened to this song as another song, but here lately it has really spoken to me. Alot of songs have. I have been struggling with something I was surprised to be struggling with but I guess it was going to happen sooner or later. I was struggling with myself. Like I have a nasty, cruel side you guys. I know shocker right. hehehe. Anyway... I have not been allowing for love. From anyone much less God. I just felt worthless, ugly and miserable. I have just been trying to stay afloat... I just want to be "worthy of love" as my hommie Bethany Dillon puts it. I have discovered that no matter how much I run to my other things I'm still gonna be miserable unless I let go of it all. The thing is letting go for me is like... well think of the hardest thing ever then multiply that my 10, then add 100 then multiply it again by 10 then add 1000 and that still wouldn't be the level of difficulty that letting go is for me. It's like I want to so badly but just won't do it. I think it is like my safety net, except it's not safe, I just think that it is, because it is familiar to me. I don't know. "everybody needs to belong somewhere" thats all I want... to belong somewhere to someone ya know.
So here is a little view into my life as of late. More will come later but now is not the time.

Update on the snake bit: I'm still waiting to be amazed with this image.

I am in need of assistance...

2007-12-25T14:08:00.000-08:00

SO.... Here it is Christmas day and the family is sitting around the dinner table discussing what?

not the birth of Jesus
not the many wonderful gifts received
not the yummy food in our stomachs
not how much we miss my wonderful sister and brother in law

BUT...... SNAKES!!!!!!! I know we were discussing snakes. We all decided we did not like snakes but then something happened....
my grandmothers started swapping snake stories and I heard of this snake that has a head that could resemble that of a baby.

I became amazed.... I would like to see one of these creatures I said... So I quickly pulled out the ole Gateway and starting googling away trying to find these snakes. I have failed.

This snake apparently is from Pecos, Texas it is referred to as an Earth Baby however I feel without snake knowledge and without the snake scientific name I can not find a snapshot of this snake with the head of a baby.

THEREFORE (this is where you come in with the assistance.)

I feel someone out there can track me down a picture of this snake. The person who finds this glorious picture alas will not receive a book(as was the prize in another recent blog contest). But you will merely receive the satisfaction of knowing you assisted a person in need. Who knows maybe I can arrange for a little something special as a prize.

FIND ME A PICTURE OF THIS SNAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Psalm

2007-12-21T13:35:00.000-08:00

Psalm 45(NLT)

1 Beautiful words stir my heart.
I will recite a lovely poem about the king,
for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet.

2 You are the most handsome of all.
Gracious words stream from your lips.
God himself has blessed you forever.
3 Put on your sword, O mighty warrior!
You are so glorious, so majestic!
4 In your majesty, ride out to victory,
defending truth, humility, and justice.
Go forth to perform awe-inspiring deeds!
5 Your arrows are sharp, piercing your enemies’rts.
The nations fall beneath your feet.

6 Your throne, O God,^[b] endures forever and ever.
You rule with a scepter of justice.
7 You love justice and hate evil.
Therefore God, your God, has anointed you,
pouring out the oil of joy on you more than on anyone else.
8 Myrrh, aloes, and cassia perfume your robes.
In ivory palaces the music of strings entertains you.
9 Kings’ daughters are among your noble women.
At your right side stands the queen,
wearing jewelry of finest gold from Ophir!

10 Listen to me, O royal daughter; take to heart what I say.
Forget your people and your family far away.
11 For your royal husband delights in your beauty;
honor him, for he is your lord.
12 The princess of Tyre^[c] will shower you with gifts.
The wealthy will beg your favor.
13 The bride, a princess, looks glorious
in her golden gown.
14 In her beautiful robes, she is led to the king,
accompanied by her bridesmaids.
15 What a joyful and enthusiastic procession
as they enter the king’s palace!

16 Your sons will become kings like their father.
You will make them rulers over many lands.
17 I will bring honor to your name in every generation.
Therefore, the nations will praise you forever and ever.

excerpts of my life.

2007-12-14T13:27:00.000-08:00

First some verses to look at:

Psalm 10:17
You listen to the longings of those who suffer. You offer them hope, and you pay attention to their cries for help.
Jeremiah 2:25
Your shoes are worn out, and your throat is parched from running here and there to worship foreign gods. “Stop“! I shouted, but you replied, “No! I love those gods too much.”
2 Corinthians 6:7
We have spoken the truth, and God’s power has worked in us. In all our struggles we have said and done only what is right.

Now my thoughts:

Tattered and bruised alone and empty, I was left unaware of the changes you made.
Beaten and scarred, I cried out for You to heal.

I’m not looking for a miracle, I just want a little time. I’m not wanting to find all the answers, just needing to know You’re never to far away. I’m just looking for a Savior that will make me new again. All the pain, all the hurt I feel inside is fine, as long as You pick me up when I fall down. I’m not crying because I hear You or feel You, I’m crying because I don’t.

I knew breaking would be hard but I didn’t know It was going to be like this.

this is it

2007-12-13T09:24:00.000-08:00

"Beautiful"

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

"Needing to hear from You"

2007-12-07T11:05:00.000-08:00

So... I have been thinking recently about just alot of things. I mean seriously I feel like God is like speaking to me, but I can hear Him because I am just like going all over the place ya know. There is a song that I found recently by Jason Holdridge and Bethany Dillon called "Word of Fire" it is such an amazing song I wish I could find the lyrics to put up but I can't seem to track them down.

So when I first heard this I was blown away because it is what I am just wanting. Like I need to hear from God, more than anything that is what I need. All I need is to sit and wait for Him to speak to me, but instead I tell myself I have to do this or run out and grab this or that. I am being so overwhelmed just by all this other stuff I "have" to do.
I think this is the number one reason why I have been unable to write my song, that I know I am suppose to write, because I am not hearing from God. I NEED TO.
Instead of being so consumed by all this other stuff I need to just sit and listen and hear from God. It has been like my deepest desire for the past couple of days now.
Here is my problem now. For some reason my personality is the kind that doesn't really like to do things that I need. I know that sounds CRAZY!!!! But it is the truth, if there is something that I know I need, I will do everything in the world except that thing I need. So here I sit still needing to hear from God.

There is a verse I found recently that I have just been meditating over. It is Jeremiah it goes like this
Jeremiah 2:25
Your shoes are worn out, and your throat is parched from running here and there to worship foreign gods. “Stop“! I shouted, but you replied, “No! I love those gods too much.”

It makes me wonder. How does this relate to my life? How many times do I run to other things because I feel like I need them more than I need God? I know I say this alot but this verse really does show me that all the running will eventually make me tired and worn out.

There is more to say about this probably but I dont really know what so I will leave it at that. But the song you should track down and listen to it. It is fantastic.

Abe and Mike are Home dawgs

2007-12-04T14:45:00.000-08:00

So today I was sitting in History class not really wanting to be there. My professor kept going on and on about different presidents, names I didn't recognize. Basically I was thinking to myself "He is the only professor still lecturing this week. LAME!!!!" So on and on he went but then it got interesting. Apparently back in the day when we were still determining state boundaries and such, Kansas or Missouri was the place to be. I found that almost upsetting at first, it was like "great now I am going to be taunted some more about how I am unable to attend a little thing known as OneThing." So as he was talking more and more about this I found myself thinking "No wonder IHOP is located where it is... there was some hardcore stuff that happened in that territory as it was back then. I mean "bleeding Kansas" which is where people died and were murdered over the issue of slavery. The Kansas territory was like the hotspot for some evil doings which eventually led to the civil war!

So why is IHOP located where it is? I think that obviously God wanted a nifty, little, awesome, worship area full of people who love Him in the center of a place that is full of ughness. Now I am not expert but...

Back in the day Kansas and Missouri you see they were one state. In this state craziness happened, this craziness spread to other states causing more craziness until there was so much craziness poor Abe Lincoln wanted to cry. Anyway... God may have felt like this was the place to have such a wonderful place so all these crazy people from Kansas and Missouri can see real craziness.

Kansas City is the ideal place for this because if you notice right here(5th one down) Kansas City almost sits right on the border of both states making it in the perfect location.

Ok well I thought this realization I had was cool... I mean I had to think of something in class and well "Bleeding Kansas" and "the Border War" gave me something to think about.

Sad news my friends

2007-11-28T17:33:00.000-08:00

So one day today to be exact I was sitting waiting patiently for my music appreciation class to start. Can I just say I really appreciate music. I love this class!!! Anyway back to my news.

I was reading a blog fav. of mine you know I secretly have favs... anyway so this particular blog is a junior high level read. So I wondered what mine was.

Are you ready for this????

YES!!!!! I know!!!! Appalling right?? Elementary level?! Are you kidding me? I am upset. However I decided to rise above my emotions and tell you why this website is flawed.

Reason number 1
Elementary students do not use words like appalling or revelation. They say things like crush and High School Musical

Reason number 2
Elementary students I strongly feel would not write a deeply thought out post about Hosea or Kirk Cameron. They would most likely write a wonderful story about their best friend and what wonderful times they spend together. Also most likely they would say something about High School Musical and Zac Efron.

Reason number 3
My sentences are way more exciting than Dan ran. I always hated those books. Allow for a Maddie flashback to the second grade:
So you know how back in the day you had a reading class. Well when I was in second grade my teacher divided us up into reading groups, according to our level of reading. Well considering I was a much better socializer than a reader I was placed in the buttercup reading group(the group right above the worst reader group. How I longed to be a Sunflower(the highest and greatest readers of us all.) the sunflowers had such nice stories to read about and it always seemed that they had such a good time. So... I read every night I went home and read about Dan and all the running he did. I read and read and read and then one day that glorious day (cue heavenly music) the entire class was informed that I was the best reader in the class!!!!! I got promoted to a sunflower. I was so excited. So the next day during reading time I proudly opened up my shinier, thicker, bluer, greater book only to become devastated to learn that Dan that Dan that I had grown to despise was now also in this grand book that I had longed for. Only in this book Dan ran to the van. It was at that moment in life that I realized that to be a Buttercup was the same as to be a Sunflower.

I feel like I could continue on this path of reasons but I won't My grammar may not be the best and my sentence structure could most likely be better, but I feel like this blog deserves something grander than an elementary level. UGH!

My passion is...

2007-11-27T07:40:00.000-08:00

So my days are getting longer, but better. I had a realization a few days ago. I realized that I am dead because I am running from my passion. I mean I have been running from some other stuff as well but allow me to tell a story. I realized that I have a purpose, I'm not entirely for sure what it is right now, but I wont ever figure it out until I cease from my running and just grow.
Last night at Ignite I played acoustic for just technical reasons really but as soon as I started playing I realized that I had to play it again to see how much I missed it. See I put my guitar down about the same time I moved here. I mean I just didn't want to play it again, I can't really explain why I just did.
Anyway so as I was playing last night I just saw how much I missed the thing that had been my passion for so long. I used to eat, breathe, sleep basically everything music. How can I give something like that up? I think this is my calling I am meant to play music. I have had way to many visions to not play.
I just can't run from this anymore, besides I had a revelation about running yesterday.

when you run you eventually have to stop to catch your breath, you have to stop to take a rest, you have to take a drink of water to re energize, Jesus is living water so I am sure he has plenty of energy, He can keep up with me. So really I am not running away I am just running with Jesus. He is never going to stop to catch His breathe or re energize. If that makes sense.

So thats that...
Stay updated for songs, I have some I am working on and I will most def want feedback.

Thats all I got.

My present state

2007-11-15T14:27:00.000-08:00

So I have not posted anything recently. But assure you I have my reasons behind it. I have basically not had any time whatsoever and I also have been trying to figure out what the next thing to say should be. So here goes... I have decided to share all my latest happenings with you.
For the past couple of weeks I have been dead. I just don't care about anything. I have no desire or passion in me and I am basically just miserable. Well I guess I have been trying to get out of this funk I am in but I am just failing miserably. So... Here is just my happenings from this past week alone. Keep in mind that my sister's wedding is taking place at the end of the week... Saturday 10th. So while I am miserable and hurting all week I am dealing with her and her fiancee, who arrived Saturday.

Sunday night was strongly convicted about some stuff and got really upset and angry.

Monday night was the usual, Ignite... it was ok.

Tuesday I went to all my classes, still felt dead on the inside, felt like I wanted to run away and never come back, Was told to attend prayer but instead went to Breakaway because I knew Shane and Shane were going to be there... I was thinking that maybe their songs would speak to me or something, you all know how music is with me. Attempted to pray and fell flat on my face. Left Breakaway unmoved and still miserable

Wednesday spent the morning and afternoon dealing with wedding Hooplah, I found out I was computerless for 2 weeks, just when I have papers due and they are all saved on my laptop which has to be repaired. Realized my song that I have been working on is also on the laptop and is now probably lost. At night went to Youth and realized that I should have not gone. It is hard to sit and tell students one thing and know that you are not following your own words. I was a wreck, stumbling over my words, thoughts and everything, come home and finish my paper

This is the part of the week where everything really starts to collapse.

Thursday- 12:01 am start the registration process for Spring classes. Find out that I can't register till I have been advised...again. Go to bed upset. wake up at 6:20am get dressed and go to Blinn. Skip my first class and wait in line to be advised. 9:15am still waiting in line to be advised. 9:45 still waiting. 10:00 still waiting. (I have a test at 10:35). 10:20am finally get seen by a counselor... basically a waste of time... I go tell her what classes I want she says ok you have to have this class as well I say ok. Rush to make it to my test. Did not do as well as I wanted. Go home print my paper and put together everything i need to turn in. My rough draft which also has to be turned in has been torn and coffee has been dumped on it. Just ridiculousness. Go to class finish class... skip Hope Group because I had to meet jasons family and eat dinner with them. Finally make it to bed and am just worn out from the awful day I had.

Friday- wake up and make a list of what needs to happen before the rehearsal dinner I have to be at at 3:30pm. Take the wedding rings and the engagement ring to be cleaned... guy tells me he doesn't have time. Leave Jewlers go pick up a birthday cake at Sweet Memories, pay the 15 dollars and leave. About 1pm I am almost home... turning left I get hit... totaling my car and leaving me in a state of shock. the whole front of car is gone... my legs are bruised and I am really upset at myself. Call mom who becomes hysterical and rushes to the scene of the accident... get checked out by paramedic and a doctor. the cake is gone, my car... gone... pieces of it flew places I don't even know where. Go home immediately get ready for rehearsal. Rest of day is just a blur...

Saturday- Wedding. that brought stress all on its own.

I know as you read this you are probably like, all of this isn't that bad... it could have been worse. Your right it could have been. But this was all pretty bad. I mean it was like one after another thing was thrown at me all I could do was sit there and take it.

I want to say that everything happened because God was getting my attention, but now I'm not so sure. I still feel miserable. I feel like I simply have lost whatever faith I once had. I don't know if that makes any sense but it is what I feel. I wish I knew what lessen or what season I was going through but the fact is... I don't. I hear that everyone goes through these seasons of not knowing anything and feeling completely helpless. Im not saying I don't agree with that but I am going to say that I feel like I am the only person who goes through this. In a way I am right. I mean only I can deal with the things I have to deal with. No one else can because no one is me.
My accident did shine light on some things in my life, things that I am either not sure of yet or things I am not ready to share yet. Confusion is where I am right now. I am confused about so much. I keep asking questions like "why?" "How?"
I wish I could say more right now but I am short on time and short on shy of words...

More will follow in the next post!

A Help Guide To Talking to Misty.

2007-11-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

Well everyone I received word not to long ago that a certain someone was having trouble chatting it up with someone I feel is just awesome. Therefore I created this simple guide to help out... S0 here are the top five Maddie suggestions please I encourage you to read them and take them seriously.

1. Approach her in a simple sort of way, don't wear anything too flashy like "look at me look at me"
I'm thinking just maybe jeans and your I heart Misty shirt will be plenty maybe even some festive shoes with this outfit could work.

2. Possible opening statements are
" I have this friend who kinda is obsessed with you and it isn't me. Let's be friends"
" I need a roommate soon, so what do you say, you and I could get along so great."
" I think you should die her hair pink one day... I can help you"
" Hi, my name is insert name here, God spoke to me and told me that you and I are suppose to become home dawgs."
" How do you feel about superheros?"

basically this one could go on forever but there are some starters.

3. Find fun things that you and Misty have in common and talk about them... For example: Misty likes music, do you? Also we know she likes to change her hair alot, Do you? just things like this.

4. Whatever you do do not begin to stalk her... she could possible get krunck all up on your grill and then your chances of becoming friends will be crushed.

5. mainly just remember to open your mouth and speak. Misty will not want to listen to a bunch of mumble jumble.

Some essentials to have with you for your encounter
- Your Bible(Misty loves this)
- Some gum (in case you are in need of a breath refresher)
- A journal so you can write down every word she says.
- A camera so you can have a picture of the encounter
- Your ipod so you can show her what is on you listen to.
- and any other little thing you can think of that might be helpful

Now get out there and make me proud.

modesty shmodesty....Growing Pains, what?

2007-10-21T19:23:00.000-07:00

So... I had a huge realization tonight....(Thanks to Megan Hull.)

It wasn't about modesty which is what you probably were thinking seeing as how I have a huge problem with modesty.(hehehe). It wasn't about being beautiful because God made me that way, it wasn't about being a "Proverbs 31" woman.(Can I just say I hate that chapter. Like I know if it is in the Bible then it is suppose to be that way, but can anyone see the ughness about what that says.). This realization is quite simple really........................................

I desire to be Kirk Cameron. (Insert heavenly music here, sung by angels.)(heavenly music is now followed by chimes of some sort.)

I know what you are thinking... Maddie You can't be Kirk Cameron. I know but just bare with me as I enlighten you on my thinking.

So Thursday night before the hooray games started, I was sitting in front of the Couchs' house... because this is my hope group destination... however I was not only found Couchless but Hope groupless. Everyone had disappeared. There were cars but no people. So I began calling people... No one answered... I mean I called anybody I had in my phone... even people who don't come to my hope group... NO body picked up until finally Ryan did and then the terrifiedness I once felt due to my loneness was gone.

Ok so... now you are asking what does that story have to do with Kirk??? Well, Megan my dear friend pointed out tonight that she could see how I could be so terrified it could have been like the rapture. Everyone could have gotten raptured leaving me here with nothing but their clothes. Then that just terrified even more because I don't really like to talk of the end times or rapture or anything. However, I did watch the movie "Left Behind".

I want to be Kirk Cameron, I mean in that movie he is like Super Christian. I mean, he like takes on the bad guys and is like "bam in your face." How cool is that.

oh to be Kirk Cameron... From Growing Pains... to Super awesome...

I got Game.

2007-10-19T15:00:00.000-07:00

So last night was relationship night for Hope Group so therefore we had game night. Now I am not a game person... I mean I enjoy playing games every now and then but most of the time unless I am with the right people it just doesn't work. Well last night I changed... I will have to say that I basically am the greatest game player ever I mean I won both games because I am that great!!!! Ok so there wasn't really a winner of the first game because we just stopped but if there had been a winner I would have been it.

Basically I think that I am a pretty fun person to play games with. I mean as long as am winning the entire time, you and I will get along quite nicely. Another idea is establish yourself a team. I mean even if the game doesn't require a team make it work. I find it helpful in many ways.

Some tips when playing a game:
- when playing "Loaded Questions" don't add side comments to your answers... I found out that people easily figure you out that way. I know I was appalled.
- when playing the same game... use process of elimination and you will get more answers right. I know... amazing.
- When answering a question...like... What is your favorite Italian food to eat? Jesus is not an acceptable answer... and it gives your identity away right away... (cough) Ryan (cough).
- Try to be the loudest group of gamers there is it draws all the attention to you and your game. Fantastic!
- Take advantage of the Happy Trails, it puts you in the lead. And Ryan used it and said it was oh so fun.

thats enough tips... for now....I have lots more but I wouldn't want to share my way of winning.

I learned what light pollution was last night. I was blown away. I also found out that it is possible to Dominate somebody at Scrabble. I am not good at that game... I can't spell good enough for it. Amazing.

You know what game I wish we would have had.... Candyland. Who doesn't like that game... It is about Candy!!!!!!
I think I might also have enjoyed Sorry! That game is amazing. It makes apologizing oh so exciting.

Hmmm well I am just blown awy by these games. I think for now that's all I got. So we will see what fun thing I have to say later.

Yay games!

Song of the day!

2007-10-16T12:59:00.000-07:00

Today's song is "Magnificent Obsession" by Steven Curtis Chapman. I think I have listened to it the most today so I feel I should share it with everyone.

Lord, You know how much
I want to know so much
In the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life’s complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling
like I’m chasing down the wind
But now it’s brought me back to You
And I can see again

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I’ve never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You’ve shown me
Cut through these chains that tie
me down to so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

You are everything I want
And You are everything I need
Lord, You are all my heart desires
You are everything to me

You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You

Ok, that's all.

God definately has a sense of humor

2007-10-14T14:28:00.000-07:00

So today was just full of stress... from 6am to now as I write this. I'm sure much more stress will arise as the day progresses. So after lunch I took a jog. Whoa back up a little bit... So I guess here lately I have just had problems with everything from self esteem, to past addictions, to lies from the enemy to just about everything and anything. I have just been miserable... well today at lunch I received a call that was just the topper to it all. This call started out like a telemarketer call would start... and then it got weird. As soon as I heard old friend I new exactly who I was talking to. I was talking to that guy, that when I think about him my heart beats five times faster. I get this tingling feeling. It was my boyfriend from ages and ages ago... I have always cared about him and worried about him and such. He told me he was almost to Iraq and I told him to just be safe and take care. Then we were done. When I hung up the phone I was just speechless. Well I finished my lunch and chatted it up with our guests... but as soon as they were gone I was out the door and on a jog. It didn't last very long but I found it VERY refreshing and freeing... I stopped at a park and just sat and pondered all of today's and this past weeks troubles. As I ended my walk I had to stop when I noticed this butterfly on the ground. I stooped down to find it was dead. This butterfly from a distance seemed alive and well but the closer I got it was dead. DEAD!!! what was worse was that I could see the ants already swarming toward it. Well just as I had stooped to pick this butterfly up the song on my Ipod switched from Everyday Sunday "Find Me Tonight" to Hyperstatic Union " Free Me" the lyrics go like this:

I was afraid to let You in
Would I break Your heart again?
So many times before
I could not keep my promises
But You were dying to forgive
You gave Your life for me to live
And now I know it’s time to find out
Who I am in Your eyes, in Your eyes

Come in my heart, come in my home
Come in, You’re welcome at Your throne
Come in and take control
I know that I need You to rule my life

Chorus
Free me from within
I am ready for my new life to begin
Take me from this place
Oh Lord I seek Your face, I seek Your face

I’ve been a fool I’ve been wrong
I’ve been alone for too long
I’ve been thinking that it’s time I apologize
You’ve given life, You’ve given love
You’ve given all I can think of
You’ve given me the time to find out
Who I am in Your eyes

Chorus

I’m falling in again
I don’t remember when life was any better
I just need to be held, I’m feeling overwhelmed
Cuz life is so much better
This life is so much better

Free me from within
I am ready for my new life to begin
Take me from this place
Oh Lord I seek Your face
I seek Your face

Right away I busted up laughing...I had been trying so long to pray words like this and here it was plain as day... I mean I am one of those people who I am just so terrified that I am going to screw up again. I'm going to just keep messing up time and time again. So as I listened to the song and held the butterfly I realized that I've been running way to long. That butterfly probably thought he had one more day one more fight in him... he had waited so long to turn into this beautiful fluttering thing and then it was gone and he was being eaten by ants. I just need to stop my jog and turn into a butterfly. I need to seek God's face, I need to let Him hold me. I need to stop my running, dodging, sprinting whatever and I just need to let Him take hold and heal me from my past things that keep making appearances in my life.

This is love?

2007-10-09T13:46:00.000-07:00

This is love? Night after night I wander. Night after night I search. Night after night I search and search with no luck. This is love? If love means more hurt than I don't want any. If love means more tears... I'm through with it.

Right now at this very moment... I want to scream. Yes scream like I don't know scream until somebody comes running to check on me. I don't know. I hear it is suppose to be like this but right now I just don't think I believe that. I guess that is just the negative me talking but I just can't help but think that something that was suppose to be so simple has now become this huge complicated mess of ugh.

This is love... the constant state of not knowing? Not caring? I fall way to many times. This can't be love. All the confusion, frustrations, hurts there just has to be more. If all that is love I really don't want it.

Is it wrong to want more? Is wrong to want to understand things before believing them? Is it wrong that my faith is still so weak and fragile? Is it wrong? I'm told it is not, but once again I am having trouble believing that.

How do you have trust in someone who you know that deep down you still blame? How do you have faith in someone when that someone was the one you were running from for so long?

My heart is bruised, my heart is hard, my heart is just not ready for all this.

This is love?????

If I ruled the world...

2007-10-05T19:20:00.000-07:00

If I ruled the world it would of course be the greatest thing ever!!! I would like to rule the world someday. I mean how cool would that be? If I ruled the world do you realize that awesomeness would be everywhere...

First I would ban stupid people from speaking.
I would ban drunkenness... it is stupid.
I would ban smoking because it kills and I wouldn't want the citizens of my world dieing all the time.
I would ban country music because it depresses me. I mean I guess I would allow a little bit of it but it would have be approved to meet my standards.
I would ban Rap because it is degrading to people, and it is not music in my book.
I would ban people who couldn't sing from receiving a record deal. I don't want to hear them.
Reality TV would be completely unacceptable, I don't want to see it.
I would instate laws for schools that said that any student who was disrespectful to their teacher would be expelled right away because disrespect is my pet peeve.

Abuse of any kind would not be tolerated at all. That just makes me sick to my stomach. Death Penalty would be given to anyone who killed another on purpose, accidents would be different of course. Gay People still would not be able to be married because well, men dont marry men and women dont marry women. It is not right. I would not allow it, at all. The arts would be pushed more in schools than sports. Theater would be a required course to graduate. TAKS tests would be done away with, Math in general would not exist. It is stupid.

Everyone will have sweater vest in their vocabulary and in their wardrobes. Weapons will be banned. War will not exist at all. The world would be at peace, everyone would get along. Families could be allowed to have as many children as they wanted until they reached I am thinking probably 9. 9 kids is just way to much. No need for it.
We would have military and cops but the military would wear pink and cops would wear yellow. Those are festive colors so that is that. These branches would be around to handle those who broke these laws. They would not be too big though because we would be peaceful. Everyone would have the same amount of money and how they decided to use it was up to them. Cars would be cheaper, college would be cheaper and gas would be cheaper. Idiot people would be fired from whatever job they were doing and that would be that.

hmmm that is all for now.... more to come later....

Freedom the New Hommie in the Hood.

2007-10-02T07:41:00.000-07:00

Here lately I discovered what Freedom in Jesus was really all about... So many times we hang on to things we don' even realize we hang on to. Bitterness, forgiveness, and just anything and everything. We just continue to live our lives and whenever these things pop up we quickly toss them back in the depths of our insides not dealing with it right away. I realized a couple of days ago however, that if I continue to toss things aside and just deal with it when I decided that I am strong enough, I will never get to experience God the way I want to and the way He wants me too. Its like that saying that we hear all the time "You can't fix yourself." I have been trying to fix myself for years and when I got saved I was saying "God I need you to help me because I can't do it myself" HOWEVER(yes I always have a however), when I said this what I was really saying was "You can help me in this area, this area and this area, but these other areas I can do on my own."
Does that statement bother you as much as it bothers me... Sure I really believed I could, mainly because those of you know me know that my trust and faith is about the size of ant who is on the opposite side of where he is suppose to be. When I thought I could fix myself I was saying that I had more trust in myself than in the God who put me on the Earth. I know I am pretty ridiculous. I am learning that whenever I fall completely flat on my face that it is ok to get back up, I don't have to stay down. When I mess up or let the lies of the enemy in it just keeps me down, but as I am laying there in my failure and my miserableness, God is just standing there holding out His hand saying "Here I am, when will you take it and let me pull you up, all you have to do is take my hand and I will help you up." So I guess the question here is: When will I take His hand? When will I have complete trust in God to pull me up out of my trials?
Freedom is so fantastic. I mean Everyone always told me it was but i never listened because I had never experienced. I never just let go... but now that I have experienced this freedom I never want to lose it. It was so freeing to just let go of everything I had kept inside for so long. It opened me up to new things. God has been showing me so much, bringing me closer to understanding His love, His grace, His mercy.
Freedom is my homedawg!

WWE Superstar...Jesus Christ.

2007-09-27T20:13:00.000-07:00

So in continuation to the blog before...
I can't help but think that trials are always here... like we can't escape them. We get through one trial and BAM there is another trial. I mean its part of us I guess. I mean some trials are bigger and more obvious than others but I think we always are being tested.

My weakness is alot of things, I have noticed that when given the opportunity Satan will take my weakness and my frustrations and use them to his advantage. Here lately as many of you know I have just been blah... ugh... poop... just dead. I mean I wasn't able to do anything. I just felt miserable and worthless and kept just asking why is this happening? what am I doing? No idea what is going on? Well I wasn't reading The Word, I wasn't praying, I was listening to the music I was asked to give up and going to my various events felt like a chore I had to do. Don't get me wrong I am one busy person and sometimes i just have to skip something and rest, but this wasn't that it was me running away. I run away alot because that's what I do, I run. People were just like "maddie don't run away, run to Jesus" and I was saying whatever. Well one day as I was preparing my homework for a class a friend of mine(who always tells me what I need to hear, but don't want to hear.) came out and was like "Maddie if you don't talk to God and spend time with Him, then you will never know Him. You will continue to feel the way you are feeling." Well this statement made me cry a little bit(I'm not gonna lie). So I just took it one step at a time I put some worship on... sat there and stared at my Bible like it was going to open itself or something... then I picked it up... had no idea what to read so I went and read what this person had told me to read... Matthew. I read one chapter in Matthew, immediately I felt refreshed. I mean I was still pretty wrecked but by me just simply sitting and reading and listening I felt refreshed. So I continued my day still struggling with things but found myself at least attempting to change this feeling. I asked people to pray for me, I read some more... not Matthew just whatever.

THEN (this is the part where I tell you about my huge epiphany I had). The moment had arrived when things would click... little did I know...
Then at Hope Group we talked about socks and I just knew it was going to be a good night. I mean socks! Who can go wrong with socks? I like my soccer socks and my Christmas socks and my socks that don't match and my socks with the festive flowers on them. OK back to my story. So at Hope group we were just talking and analyzing together and the more people asked, the more I had an answer to, the more people said, the more I found myself understanding. I was amazed! It was like all this stuff that I had just been like whatever to I was now starting to get. There was no analization it was just there. More amazement.

So here it is people.
God loves us no matter what! God understands what we are going through because He made us and knows us. He wants us to seek His face and seek His presence. Like in the song before, we get so caught up in this world that we forget to turn to Him. We get caught up in being the "good" person and being the "religious" person and just any other "person" out there that we forget He is there waiting for to turn to Him with all of our trial and struggles. I mean we can't get through them on our own, no matter what we may believe, we are not superheroes however if we were I would want to fly and be able to turn invisible and I think I would probably want to be able to like use the elements as my power(earth, wind , fire and water) That would be awesome. I could light something on fire than I could put it out with the water.
Ok back to what I was saying. You can't beat God, He wins in the end. It is so worth it though. I'm a wrestler so I'm gonna put up a fight but in the end He is just like WOOSH! and then He wins. He gives us these trials not because He hates us, or wants to punish us but to teach us and to grow us. Without growth we would all be on the same level and well we would be boring and we would be bored. Lame! Like I don't know about all of you who read this but I would like to experience what Moses had that day. He saw something none of us have seen. He saw glory... Amazing! I want that... if that means I have to go through 80 million more trials, then BRING IT ON!!!! Let me step into that ring of death(WWE) and me and that trial will have it out.

And that is all...

To turn and run into you...

2007-09-25T14:57:00.000-07:00

So you know how sometimes when you are looking for something and you find something else instead and realize how great it is. Like maybe you were looking for your tennis shoes and found your rubber ducky instead, than your bath times were lots of fun. Anyway on to my point. My point is that the other day I was on itunes looking for a certain song and found a different one... I fell in love with it right away. I have never heard of the band or song before but I think it is great... here are the lyrics:

Find Me Tonight

Yesterday, I could not feel this
Today I’m sick of trying
To live like I can live on my own
This world around me is suffocating
But I keep forgetting
To turn and run into You

So Find me
Wherever I am won’t You
Find me
I got myself lost and I
Don’t think
I want to be roaming in heartache
Please find me tonight

I make it hard and I can’t stand it
Can’t wrap my head around it
I wrestle with You more than I should
I make a mess of everything
But You see the best in me
I’ll never be too far gone

You speak without sound
Your love is so loud
You always save me

-Everyday Sunday

I have been listening to it over and over because this says what I want to say but just can't. I think it is encouraging and I don't know I like it. I mean here I am dead and weary and I just keep forgetting that He is there for to run to. He is there for me when I need Him. I just keep forgetting all this important simple stuff. I am trying to make things more complicated than they really are. I just want to be found. I just want to be away from all my pain and heartache. I just need to know that He is there waiting for me to turn away and run TO Him and not AWAY from him. This running to something is a new concept for me, I think i have run away from things my whole life and now here I am running away when things get a little rough... I need to learn how to run into Jesus. I need to realize that He is safe and Good and Here for me. He is there to save me from my heartaches and troubles, I just have to go to Him. All these new concepts for me to grasp... Aye!!! Well this is all for now... If you have time find this song and listen to it or just read the lyrics either way.

what goes on in my head during class.

2007-09-20T07:38:00.000-07:00

So this is not The Song that I have on my heart. That one is still a work in progress, this is something that I just wrote down one day when I was you know, not paying attention in class or something... I just think it is something I was feeling that particular day. It was maybe about 2 or 3 weeks ago. So if you ever wonder what I am thinking when I am zoned out here is a glimpse:

"Incredibly Falling"

Its amazing how she runs from your presence. He was never here she says… Its amazing how she cries alone in bed so unaware that your right there. She sings of regret and despair when all You want is to hear of love and glory. Its crazy that she would give it all up for the things of this world when You offer her eternity.

Incredibly I fall, I stumble.
Not knowing who will pick me up, not knowing how to recover from all the blows.
Amazingly I run, and not look back
So unaware of the love that covers me.

She wants to be free, to escape the things that hold her back. She wants a love that no one has ever offered her. She cries out and no one hears. She weeps and wonders why she is all alone. She wants to find a meaning, a reason to get up.
He was always the one she ran to. He was always the one she called. Where is he now? She wonders if love is real. He always said it was, now all she sees are bruises and scars, brokenness and despair.

Incredibly I fall, I stumble.
Not knowing who will pick me up, not knowing how to recover from all the blows.
Amazingly I run, and not look back
So unaware of the love that covers me.

One day she will see You. One day she will feel You. One day she will trust You. One day she will fall and cry in Your arms. One day she will be satisfied only by You.

-mw-

that is all.

2007-09-16T18:46:00.000-07:00

Just one more hand me down. Just one more bruise to try and hide. Just one more step outside to catch my breath. Just one more would be enough.

I find myself being tried and tested in so many areas lately. It is like I am really under attack by my past and things I am used to running to when the going gets tough. I've always hated school. I always felt it just wasn't for me... Now here I am in school trying my best to stay afloat. I have always had problems respecting those who I felt had wronged me....This is now something I am struggling with. How do I continue to submit to my authorities if I know deep down I haven't forgiven them. I mean I am working through it but my heart is still pretty bitter about it.

How can I sit here and tell someone to just keep praying and trusting God, when I myself still can't put complete trust in Him?
I drive alot and I drive alot when I have alot on my mind. Today in particular I was driving not really knowing where to go. My problem is I keep running to my past to satisfy the frustrations and tiredness I am dealing with. I keep running to my past addictions, my past loves just everything that I thought was over and done with. I just don't know what I am doing with myself right now... I have no idea where I am headed, who I am, who I am suppose to be and just everything. I know I should run to Jesus but it's like I can't find Him in the midst of all this.

I am weak. I feel myself about to slip everyday and then somehow I avoid it, but one day I'm going to slip and I'm not sure I'm going to know how to pick myself up again.

I know God is wanting my attention but I have no idea what He wants it for. I mean I am focused on Him but I just can't feel Him. This love thing is really my problem. I closed my heart off to love and it hasn't opened back up. What if it never does? I mean I keep reading Song Of Solomon and Hosea and I know that that is what I want, but still it is just not there...

Oh frustrations... How I adore them...(Statement covered with sarcasm)

I am not knowing what to say on here... I just really wanted to write something. So here it is. This is my heart, these are my struggles, that is all.

Where am I headed?

2007-09-12T18:55:00.000-07:00

The other night when I was least expecting it, I was hit with something. Here lately I have really just been tired, not just physically but Spiritually. I don't know I have just been drained ya know. So... I realized that I need to take time to just rest. I think maybe it is a time in my life where I need to just slow down and just take care of my heart. As many of you know I have been going through just a healing process. There is so much that God is telling me to deal with and I just haven't. For example I have anger issues. I know that is hard to believe but I do. There are people that God wants me to forgive and I have been putting it off... I need to deal with some issues. Another thing... God wants a song from me, I thought if I put my guitar down and put the journals in storage I could get away from it. I was wrong. God has pursued me and is constantly asking... So where is my song? When are you gonna have that song? I have to write it.

You can't run from God I have found. Busyness won't keep Him from saying "this is what I want from you Maddie" Over the past week through all the chaos that I have God has told me "Take time to experience me." At first I had no idea what that meant, then I realized what I needed to do. I am taking a break... I am not going to physically drain myself. For the next couple of weeks I am giving some stuff up... I need vision right now, vision I can't see if I am so focused on things that just exhaust me.

I need to seek out God in areas right now. I need to hear from God about certain issues right now. I need to search my heart, find who I am, I need to be taken away for a bit to experience God and really hear His voice and His heart.

I encourage you all to seek out what it is God wants from you. I know alot of you feel burdened right now, some feel weary, some feel bored, others are just peachy, but we all have something great that God is wanting us to hear. Be still and listen. worship. pray. talk. listen.

Just me and You...

2007-09-06T20:08:00.000-07:00

This is the last song that I write, till you show me otherwise, because I just don't feel it anymore...

I can sit here and talk to You for minutes, sometimes hours... but there is one thing I haven't been able to give You... what it is your wanting.

My notebooks no longer have recent dates, my pen has no ink, the heart I once had for this is just gone, I think it died somewhere along the lines of my life. My heart is hard, my passion is dead, the fire I once had is now burnt out. You want my lyrics, I have none left to give, I have no more to write. The lyrics died with the passion and the pen.

You want a melody, I don't have one. You want a harmony, I don't know one, You want my song, I can't write it.

You want a song that I just don't know...

The One, The Only invisible Friend

2007-09-05T18:39:00.000-07:00

Are you aware of the fact that we have a friend. I never really grasped the idea that Jesus was my friend. I always saw Him as this big guy who sat up in the sky waiting for me to mess up so He could say "o Maddie that was wrong you get a frowny face for the day" Like He was constantly angry at me and ready to strike me down for just messing up. I never viewed God for what He truly is... I never saw Him as a loving friend. Which is all He is if you think about it. I mean sure He is much more than that, but He is indeed a friend.

Funny glimpse into Maddie's past...
So back in the day when I didn't have God I watched this movie called The Island. In the movie there are two worlds, one world has us the real people and the other one has clones of every human being... well when the real life person dies the clone has to die... It is kind of confusing... well there turns out to be two people who figure out that they are to die so they run away and make it to the real world. They encounter someone who says something about praying, The clone then asks "Who is God"
This is a great question but the answer that was given was awful...(but being angry and bitter towards God, I of course loved it). The answer was "You know when you want something really bad... God is the guy who doesn't give it to you.

This was my view of God for so long. Here lately though I have come to realize that God is my friend. He wants me to talk to Him and just tell Him what is going on... He wants to be my best friend. Ahhmaaazzzzing!!!!!

So i just wanted to share this with everyone... Just know you can go to God as a friend and He won't strike you down when you mess up. God is the only invisible friend we have... I love those invisible friends...

Officially Lame

2007-09-04T12:50:00.000-07:00

So...
Once upon a time in a not so far away time actually, there lived a girl this girl just so happens to be me. Anyway, she never studied for anything except maybe a few tests here and there... she never really read the assigned reading and the required books, but yet she still managed to pass all her classes... Four score and today... She now feels as if she always is studying. LAME!

I have noticed how close my relationship with Hastings has become... What was once just an acquaintance now has blossomed into a sot of love relationship. I am now a caffeine addict(is there some sort of meeting i can go to for this problem). I have discovered the true meaning of being able to read... and hmmm i still have no life.

Blinn may be high school when it comes to the people and the way things are run but as far as homework goes it is not high school.

My hands are bit tired from writing notes, if i read one more thing about debate and dialogue my mind might explode and if I smell one more cigarette i may become some sort of secondary smoke cancer patient. If i have to make one more unnecessary trip to recover books the store wont have i may have to shave my head.

Oh Blinn... how to describe my love for you.... POO ON YOU!!!

Glimpse of love

2007-09-02T19:11:00.000-07:00

Love...
Why is it that so many of us use this term so lightly. Love is not something to play with it. I feel one reason I am fearful of love is because of this very thing. So many times I have had people say they love me... tell me that they would give me the world, take care of me. I've had them tell me they wont let me fall, and if I did they would be there to pick me up.
wow! What a bunch of crock!
The sad thing... I fell for it every time...
My past is full of "being in love" however, my definition of love was way wrong. You see I thought i had to have that guy there to make me feel wanted and make me feel like I belonged. I ran after this love because I needed it. I wanted so desperately to feel beautiful and loved. I was so bold as to even think that it was ok that the guy was a jerk because at the end of the day as long as he said "I love you" no matter what he did to me it was ok.
How wrong and misled I was...
I heard a song tonight(yes, that music it just speaks to me, i tell you). It is a song that I have heard over and over again but it was just empty, meaningless words to me. But tonight I felt it. I caught a glimpse of God's love. I saw that no matter how much i have messed up at the end of the day i can run to Him and He will catch me. After all the others have long gone. He is there!

I would like to share again the lyrics with you for different reasons
a) I really feel like the message can minister to all of us
b) I want you all to get this glimpse that I caught
and c) It is just a fantastic song and beautifully written.

So here it is:

"I Belong To You"

Everybody needs to belong somewhere
Life can feel so alone without someone who cares
And when life becomes something just to get through
That's when I'm glad that I belong to you

[Chorus:]
I belong to you
I belong to you
You're the one who will never let me down
Won't let me dwon
I belong to you
I belong to you

Sometimes life brings more pain than we can bear alone
When hope is gone and I have no strength to stand on my own
When nothing helps, there's nothing that I can do
You surround me and show me

[Chorus]

When love is gone, there's no arms to run to anymore
I'm all alone, there's no one for me to live for
Letting go of the things I've always clung to
That's when I need to feel that

[Chorus]

Once again Superchic[k] lands a great song on this here blog. Oh what would this blog be like without them... hahahaha. Anyway thats what i have for today... We all just need to realize that we belong to Him and He will take care of us and pull us through our tough times.

Don Henley is super...

2007-09-02T15:00:00.000-07:00

"These times are so uncertain
Theres a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness

And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought Id figured out
I have to learn again
Ive been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness"

The following is from a song I have had stuck on my head all day... Its a song everyone should know but most likely there will be someone who is like. Who, what in that case the rest of us will be allowed to point and laugh.

ANYWAY
So these few lyrics are from The Heart of Matter by Don Henley (of the Eagles people). It talks about love and losing the girl of his dreams and it is actually pretty sad. However, the chorus he talks about how he forgives her even though she may not love him anymore.

Forgiveness is a powerful thing. We all suffer from hurt and we all have things happen to us that we may not have asked for. The thing is without forgiveness, you will become a bitter old person who just hurts more people. I think everyone has lost sight of the power and the freedom that comes from just saying "I forgive you" Just recently I had someone really hurt me with their words and for a couple of days I was just so upset and angry at this person. Then I realized that by holding a grudge against this person was only causing me more hurt and more pain. It was unhealthy... By hanging on to the words spoken to me I was hanging on to the past and i was never going to be able to move on. So I just simply sad... I forgive you. After that i felt so much freedom and peace. Sure it wont take back the fact that i was hurt by this person but I'm bigger than hurtful words. I realized that by being angry with this particular person was going to get me nowhere.

I chose just the little bit of the song because i feel like it describes what so many of us go through... we live in this world where everyone has a grudge against everyone and we lose friend after friend all because we are to prideful to just say i forgive you... or we are to prideful to admit that we were wrong.

The point is we should learn to forgive and forget.

Excitment crushed.

2007-08-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

So It all started 4 years ago as I entered the magnificent hallways of high school... I was pumped to be there ok not really but the point is I was there... High School freshman, it was mind blowing...

Then another year went by and I was a sophomore, by this time the excitement had died down to a minimum...

Then one more year went by I was a junior, I was finally an upperclassmen, at this point all I could think about was making it to senior year...
Lots of festivities and get togethers later.... IM A SENIOR!!!!!

I was so pumped to finally get out, I was in a new place but I still walked or rather danced across that stage to receive the diploma. I was officially done with high school.

OR SO I THOUGHT!!!

So here I was with my wonderful Blinn Buddies ready to start a new chapter of our lives. We were ready for college. What we got was college classes with high school students...

Can anyone say LAME!!!!

Seriously I was under the impression that college was a place to wear your pajamas to class, study like there was no tomorrow and essentially have no life. Obviously I was wrong...

I get there at 7:45am ready to begin and I can't even begin to count how many people I saw dressed like they were going to some fashion, social event. I found that one big difference between High School and Blinn(probably the only difference) was that at Blinn, you can smoke anywhere except for in the class rooms. Smoking can kill you, More people die from secondhand smoke, so now not only can we get an education but we can now become one step closer to our death because Blinn goers are allowed to smoke. My favorite thing so far is that the Blinn administrators have no idea on how many people are attending Blinn, therefore they give everyone a parking pass... well in a school with 80 gazillion kids and only 20 gazillion parking spots you can see the problems posed. Oh Blinn...

So arriving at college was super exciting until I got out of my car and realized that High School will always be the way society functions.

Homeboy Hosea

2007-08-27T17:00:00.000-07:00

Once I was afraid of things most people are afraid of. I was of afraid of the dark, spiders, lizards, snakes, heights, Marilyn Manson, Horror Movies, ya know the stuff that is just scary. Ever since I was little I was terrified of these scary things... Well a couple of years ago I was no longer really scared at that anymore(well except for maybe Marilyn Manson). I became scared of other things. Things that I think everyone deep down is scared of but they only become terrified of them, when it applies to their own life. I chose a certain path for my life a couple of years ago and I realized I grew up way to fast. I learned the meaning of hurt before I was probably ready, I figured out that pain was not just a physical thing, it could be emotional as well, I learned that bitterness really can eat at your heart and depression is a real thing.

I could go on and tell you how I also learned that family is great, I learned to overcome my fears and weaknesses and that I realized I just had a couple of down years. That would be a lie... sure I may have grown a little wiser, a little stronger and a little more confident... but it wasn't enough.

I got saved, but still have no idea what I am doing, I still have yet to truly experience that one thing that people just are captivated by. I have become so miserable spiritually and it took me awhile to figure out exactly what it is was that was causing it.

See getting saved is not just something to do ya know... God really wants us to be with him... Well the more He says "I want this" the more I say "I walk"

The more I push, the more He pulls. The more I walk, the more He pursues.

I started this thing by telling you things I was scared of, I just recently discovered that I am scared of something else that kind of took me by surprise. I am scared of Love. My whole life I have heard all about love, good things, bad things, weird things, just all things. But when I think of love I think of hurt, bitterness, pain.

Love is suppose to be this beautiful thing I know. However when you have had some pretty bad experiences with this love feeling or word or whatever it makes it hard to open up again...

How am I doing what I can with this Fear of love, I am just praying and trying to stay focused on God...
I'm not gonna lie, I have been so weak and miserable lately that it causes me pain. Its hard to describe. HOWEVER, (oh I love howevers), as I was driving around today I realized that I just need Jesus, I was reminded of Hosea and Gomer(his wife) Hosea married a prostitute and he still loved her even with all her shadiness... Song of Solomon it talks about how we are Gods bride and He loves us unconditionally and He constantly pursues us and calls us to His presence all the time. He comes to us when we are ready to love and when our hearts are in the right place....
I realized this whole time I have been crying out for God to just love me and He already does, but my heart is just not healed completely from my past for me to experience the closeness and nearness I have been longing for...

Someone I highly look up too recently told me..."Maddie, you can't go to other people to satisfy your longings, only God can satisfy."

This is so true... I find in this time of struggle and frustration that all I need is to take time to feel God. Taking time is something I haven't done until just recently and the time I have spent was just so sweet.

I encourage everyone who is reading this to read Hosea, and you should read Song of Solomon... if for nothing else than to just read God's Word.

So... here are my own words.

When it's all crashing down...

2007-08-26T10:02:00.000-07:00

Alas friends I am saddened to say I am still searching for my own words... As many of you know I am all about reality and here lately the reality I have gotten is a reality I'm not so down with... So here is another song that I feel relates to me in some ways... I find encouraging in these down times I am dealing with... So here it is..

"Stand In The Rain"

She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

Song by Superchic[k] from the CD Beauty From Pain 1.1

More coffee please.

2007-08-23T21:08:00.000-07:00

SO... how do you celebrate going back to school??? Well allow me to share with you about a little something called Marathon Night...

So... it all started when I decided to volunteer to drive. So the day was here. I had prepared a great variety of music. They were all Christian but of course they were the happening bands and such. I figured I was gonna have the best car. If you know me even a little bit, you know that I don't do well with junior high. So what did I get in my car? None other than 7th graders. 3 girls and 1 guy. I won't lie I had to say a little patience prayer a couple of times throughout the night. First I got listen to who liked who, and who got to watch High School Musical and who wished who didn't like them. It was driving me crazy... so I told them they could pick out a cd to listen to... Well it was decided that my cds were not as fly as I thought. I didn't have Panic @ the disco(which is secular and has many swear words in songs), second I did not have Underoath(which is Christian, just um they are metal which I decided at about the age of 4 I would never listen to). So I got to hear how lame my music was. Then they didn't really enjoy to many of the festivities so I got to hear how lame they were.

So moving on... after the fun events at Marathon night a few friends and I decided to go to Blinn and scope out our classes before the first day of school. Good intentions, bad timing... we were all going on 24 hours of no sleep, the line was growing by the second and we kept running into dilemmas. Things we forgot, Places we couldnt find. The list could go on forever... We ran into someones ex boyfriend who we all just need to pray for, we left at least 30 missed calls on another persons phone, we took a fun picture of a moth thing(it looked like wood), hmmm we bought last minute things we needed, and we decided that Blinn School spirit was the bomb...

However we, were incredibly exhausted and tired and the one cup of coffee from IHOP was lasted about 2 seconds...

Overnight shifts with God?

2007-08-17T09:19:00.000-07:00

So... as many of you know Tax Free weekend has begun... Lots of you also know that I will be working at Academy from 10pm to 7am... lots of fun...

Actually I am actually looking forward to it... Not only do I not have to deal with customers and lame questions, but i dont have to listen to the lame music we normally play.

I know what you are thinking... Maddie how is this worth working overnight??? Allow me to elaborate...

I am in the process of writing something(not ready too share entirely what) I feel that by working these overnight shifts, I will have my ipod going, I wont have to really deal with anyone, I mean yes there will be some interruptions but for the most part I think I will be able to use these 8 hours of the day I normally am asleep, to listen for God, to find out what I am doing ya know. Here lately I haven't heard to much from Him. I've heard some but not enough. I'm going through a time where I feel exhausted and tired so I am not spending enough time with Him.

I feel so many of us are going through this... I don't know why but I have a gut feeling that God is about to have something huge happen. It might be something little and insignificant to others but to us it could be life changing ya know... I don't know. I feel we need to just take time and listen for Him, We need to not necessarily talk to Him(although He wants us too) but sometimes you have to listen in order know what to say... As many of you know I love music... I encourage those of you who are weary and not hearing God to listen to a song entitled "Lift my eyes" it is by Bebo Norman. I found it refreshing, maybe you will too... YAY! ok enough of that...

So I am looking forward to work. If you must go out to buy things this weekend just remember Academy Sports and Outdoors will have everything you will need. WOO HOO!!!

Ok that's all for now... Have a great day.

Can't find my own words

2007-08-15T07:55:00.000-07:00

So don't really have anything fun or thought provoking today.... I do have a song... It kind of talks about what I am going through right now... Its a band i saw long ago... But just read the lyrics and if you want to hear the song you can ask me or go to their website.

OVERHEAD

The things I want are tearing me apart

I knew this from the start

They’re daggers to Your heart

Though I desire to trade my will with Yours

I’m shutting open doors and crawling on all fours

I need Your touch, open my eyes

Cut me down to size, I’m dying to rise

(Chorus)
I promised I’d be less and let You be more
In my attempt to do what I have read
To die is gain, I want to serve the One I adore
But it appears there’s too much overhead

I’d rather stay than give my life away
The life that I have made, a price I just can’t pay
So I ignore Your calling from the shore
You offer so much more but the cost I can’t afford
Short-sighted eyes, my spirit’s demise
Listening to lies, dying to rise

(Chorus)

I need Your touch, open my eyes
Cut me down to size, I’m dying to rise

(Chorus)

Hyperstatic Union --- Lifegiver

Like I said I cant put into words what I am struggling with so these simple lyrics will just have to do until I can find my own words...

Draino

2007-08-09T08:23:00.002-07:00

So... here lately I have noticed some things. In me and and other people...
We are emotionally and Spiritually drained. It's not that we don't want to be near to God, we do. We are tired, we are searching for something new. We are under attack. I mean there are lots of reasons we could all be like this but i cant name them all...
The point is I feel like(at least in my own life) God is telling us to slow down, take a some deep breaths and just listen. SO many times w get wrapped up in praying for world peace, and praying that people get saved and praying for good things but sometimes God just wants us to shut up and listen to what He has to say. I mean I'm no expert on the art of prayer but I have lately just been finding myself sitting in silence and just listening. I may not hear anything but i feel refreshed at the end of the day...

Another thing I have found that helps me is when I know i need to pray but have no idea what to pray... I find a song that speaks to me and I sing it... It's not the same thing as praying your own words and your own heart but it again makes me feel refreshed.

I just feel like everyone is so drained right now its not even funny, we just need to keep our focus and thoughts on one thing....

registration

2007-08-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

SO... What makes people with the last names D- about M so special??? I mean my whole life i have had to go last at things. Well sometimes it works out for the best that I go last but other times it is just not even cool... for example Blinn registration. So first you have to register at like midnight to even have a chance at classes... Then if your last name is anything under M you can just forget about getting convenient classes. I mean people like me with the last name Worley don't stand a chance, we get the reject classes ya know... So then you quickly sign up for the classes that dont collide and realize that you are going to die from exhaustion. As the days pass you find yourself praying that people are poor and can't pay and are forced to give up those classes you longed for but they had gotten. Then you just feel guilty for wishing poorness on anyone. So then as you have a huge guilt fest you slap yourself a couple of times and the ridiculousness goes on...

So one thing I have learned about this registration experience is just hope I marry someone whose last name is like Jones or even like Davidson or something instead of someone with a name like Zane or anything towards the end of the alphabet... I do not want my kids to be discriminated against because of their last name....

Just in case you were wondering I wound up with pretty ok class times.

The Heart of Worship.

2007-07-31T09:45:00.000-07:00

I was working the other day, when all of sudden a flying squirrel hit me in the head... ok not really but that would be super cool though wouldn't it? HEHEHE... ok SO
I have really been trying hard to do all the right things but i feel like i am one step closer to doing all the wrong things. The more I search out answers and the more i discover things... I get attacked. Ok have you ever heard that lame saying... why kick me when I'm already down...well its like that. Like i have been down lately just out of frustrations and not having all the right answers and not knowing what to do... but on top of that... I feel like I am just getting all this crap thrown at me to keep me down. I know it's ridiculous.
You guys want more on Who I am right? Well i have no words to give today on that particular topic. I know... Sadness : (

Here is todays topic... Worship...

What is it? Does it have to be sincere? Is there a right and wrong way to worship?

All these questions are ones i have really been wrestling with along with many more... all I want to do is to be able to come before God and tell Him whats on my heart and what I am going through, but for some reason I am holding back. I'm not for sure why it is or what it is. I think I'm scared of messing up again. I used to lead worship and i wasn't even saved. So now I have like this fear in me that I will go back to the way I use to be and my worship will not be sincere or from my heart, and worse it will be for own self... It will be because i enjoy singing or i enjoy playing my guitar. Which don't get me wrong... it is good to enjoy things but i want to be able to enjoy it because I am enjoying God. Does that make sense? Not to long ago I was told to give up my secular music until He said i could have it back. This has proven to be extremely difficult... Music is my passion... Music has been that one thing that I have always had. But you know what I have been successful so far. Even with all the attacks thrown at me by the enemy. So thats about all for now... I am still wrestling with these questions and so I can't really give you answers for them if i myself don't even know them. SO yay for being clueless... ok not really its frustrating.

who am i?

2007-07-27T09:35:00.000-07:00

So many times i find myself being asked to describe who I am. I go on and say that I am an outgoing person, I work at Academy, I go to church, blah DE blah DE blah, ya know i say the same stuff over and over. The thing is that is not who I am... Sure those are aspects of who I am. However; I don't really know who I am. I mean the fact is I am just one girl in the world who is longing to know who she is. Don't misunderstand me though... I mean I don't suffer from like memory loss or anything. I just have yet to discover who I am.
I ask this a lot to friends and such. I have found myself also wondering who God says I am. Does He view me differently then I view myself. Does He view me as this wonderful, beautiful girl who longs to worship Him from the bottom of her heart. This is all so new to me and some days i just don't have any idea what I am doing. However I have found that once you let God in, He begins to really show you who you are AND who he is. Let me just say who I thought i was is not what He has been showing me who I am. It is a an amazing ride I have discovered, its hard but amazing. I mean i don't have anything figured out yet, but i am liking this searching and frustration because i feel like I'm getting closer to someone who loves me and wants to just comfort me and hold me and say "its OK, you don't have to know everything"

SO wow this started out as one thing then took a turn to the left then to the right. whoa... confusing.
Anyway I will probably post more about who i am because that is something that i have really been seeking out so yes.

Life has many Boxes?

2007-07-21T17:16:00.000-07:00

So today as I was boxing up my room I was just thinking of things. I thought of just everything. I mean I would find some random thing and ask myself... Why do still have this? Then the story would hit me... anyway so I threw some stuff out, i kept some stuff the point is. I discovered a little but about myself that i had put into storage a long time ago. Did you know i used to be a positive person all the time? I didn't i think that got storaged around move two or three. Amazing. I found a journal from Jr. High... Did you know that i used to be able to say Thank-you and talk to God on a regular basis? Where did that simplicity go? I mean back then it was like i didn't care what people thought of me. It was like I was living on a cloud and Reality just didn't exsist. I think Reality hit me at 14. That got unstoraged on move 3 i think. What else do i have that i haven't discovered yet. I just think it so amazing how I don't even know who I am? I mean i just find it amazing at how i have really grown up over the years... I've had Heartbreak, Love, Pain, Depression, Happiness, Bitterness and Anger, Friendship that have gotten destroyed and some that have grown stronger and all this is such a short amount of time. I feel like I still have many more boxes that i have yet to discover in myself but i look forward to see what they hold in them. One thing i found out today was that... for so long I was doing it wrong and I found i kept repeating the same mistakes but now... I'm different and I am finally getting things right I think.

Starter

2007-07-19T14:48:00.000-07:00

So... Today was pretty rad i guess... ok not really... but kind of. It rained though...
I like it when it rains, not every day but its refreshing and cleansing. What does all this rain mean exactly though? I think for me it is just that thing that calms me in stressful times. I heard someone say once they felt it was like a spiritual cleansing. That could work too... I mean the rainfall could be significant of just cleaning everything up. I don't know. I am no researcher of rain.